Reflections by Rev. Joanne Anquist

This past week, I did a stupid thing.  We have a fifth wheel that we use to camp with, but last year we sold our truck so we can’t pull it anymore (we’re gonna get around to selling the fifth wheel some day!) .  But I still love camping – not the tent and mattress on the ground kind of camping, but the nice bed, stove and fridge, toilet in your unit kind of camping!  

We don’t go out enough to warrant a fancy new RV, so I set out looking for a cheaper unit that we could use a week or two in the summer and weekends close by.  We found this tent trailer that was reasonably priced and decided to look at it.  The owner told us that it was a great camper, that there were some cosmetic issues but it never leaked, that the only reason he was selling it was that his son had been killed in an accident last year and he couldn’t deal with the memories.  Inside there was dust everywhere, and it was cracking around the edges and it wasn’t worth the money he was asking so we decided to look for something else.  

We told him we weren’t interested, but he kept reducing the price and after some back and forth, we agreed to a price less than half of what he listed.

My “optimism” kicked in.  I figured we could fix it up, make it like new.  A little bit of elbow grease and a tune up would make it good as new.  Besides, he seemed kind of desperate, and he was someone in grief, so maybe we could help him out.  I convinced myself it was a good deal at the price. I had to persuade Dave – he was skeptical that we could revive it, and he knew it would mean a lot of work for him!  But he reluctantly agreed.

We met at the storage pad, paid him by etransfer, hooked it up to our car, got out on Stoney Trail and before long, the top of the tent trailer lifted!  We got out and tried to secure it, but the clasps were too worn to close.  Finally we got it to a place where it was shut and we could drive, but it began to lift again.  Then the tire blew. Thankfully we were under a bridge with an extra wide shoulder when that happened!

So there we were on Stoney Trail, the top coming up again, the tire completely shredded, waiting for AMA to come fix the tire and tow it to a repair shop.

And that’s when I started beating myself up for being so stupid.  I cursed my optimism that believed I could take a broken down tent trailer and make it like new.  I blamed my life-long search for a “deal” for seducing me into buying something that wasn’t even worth the discounted price.  I chastised myself for dragging my husband into this mess, when he didn’t think it was a good idea.  

And then I began to spiral. I started to wonder if anything the man told me was true.  Maybe he was lying about everything just to sell it to me, and I was taken in by his story.  Serves me right for trusting people!  You have to be so careful.  Never again will I let myself be taken in.  And on and on.  

Cynicism is a tough master.  It’s born of hurt and betrayal.  It looks at the world and believes there is nothing true or pure – that everything is tainted and you have to be on guard all the time.  It doesn’t allow for joy or wonder, surprise or delight.  It robs us of honest, vulnerable relationships and it pits us against each other as we test everything.  Maybe it’s the safest way to live, but it’s surely not the most life-giving.  

Every time I feel myself giving in to the temptation to build a wall of cynicism around me, I have to remind myself that there are good people in the world.  Each time I make a mistake, I work to remember that I am human and it’s bound to happen again and again.  When I drag my loved ones into my schemes and they don’t work out (‘cause sometimes they do) I feel loved and blessed to have people in my life who can laugh with me at the turn of events!  And even if it doesn’t work out, at least you have a good story.

My optimism is sometimes naïve, and has gotten me into trouble more than once.  I have given money to people when even I didn’t believe their story, because I sensed they needed it more than me.  I have trusted people who haven’t earned it and been burned.  I have worked towards a future that never comes.  Still, I continue to believe that it is better to live with trust and hope than suspicion and doubt.  Call me crazy!  

Don’t get me wrong. It was still a stupid mistake, and I’ve learned some lessons. But as we move through the world, we are called to redeem it – to squeeze out the evil and the darkness, and replace it with light and love.  You can’t do that from behind a wall of cynicism.  Hope is built in community – and it never succeeds without trust. So we live and learn.  In the end, love always wins.

Holy One, you built us for relationships of love and trust.  Forgive us when our hurt and pain cuts us off from community.  Give us courage to believe in each other and trust in the good of humanity.  May your wisdom guide us to love.  Amen