Reflections by Rev. Joanne Anquist

What Scares You – such an appropriate theme this close to Hallowe’en. That’s the time when all the ghouls and goblins are supposed to come out and haunt us from the other side of the grave. It’s interesting to note that Hallowe’en is actually called All Hallows Eve on the Church Calendar. November 1st is All Saints Day, where the most faithful servants are remembered. So All Hallows, Hallows meaning Holy, evening is our Hallowe’en. Kind of like Christmas Eve. We have things like ghosts and goblins because we’re supposed to remember that there is death and decay, heaven and hell in the traditional sense, before we move into celebrating our heroes of the faith. My daughter attended a Catholic school, and their hallowe’en was an opportunity to dress up as their favorite saint – she was Saint Margaret the barefooted – but that’s another story.

Death, and decay, heaven and hell, are scary. But scary is not just for Hallowe’en that’s for sure!

Here are some of the things I’m scared of.

When I was little, I had recurring dreams that I was in church and soldiers would come in and take over the service. I was scared of them. Of course, I was born in 1962, the height of the Vietnam war, and we lived in the States at the time. I’m sure a young, impressionable mind was trying to understand what was going on by mixing the worst things I had seen with the safest place I experienced. So even now, protecting safe spaces is important. I am scared that powers stronger than I will erase these spaces and make vulnerable people even more marginalized. That scares me.

Another thing that used to scare me, although not so much any more, is singing in front of people. I’ve been singing in church since I was about 6 years old – even solos by the time I was 8. Once, when I was still in Elementary or Jr. High School, I was asked to sing at a mid-week church service, and I was going to sing Amazing Grace. I had it all practiced and ready to go – and then just before I was supposed to sing, the minister decided we should all sing it as a congregation. I don’t know why my Mom didn’t tell him that I was singing it! Anyway, as soon as that was done, I was called up to sing. I was so upset and nervous – because I was thrown into a situation without a plan. So my mom picked another song I could sing, but she put it in the wrong key so I struggled. And when you’re nervous, you get a lifted larynx, you know that feeling like your stomach is in your mouth, and then you can’t sing. For years I would have to breathe and hope my nerves didn’t get the best of me. The thing is, when you’re singing in front of folks, you are way more vulnerable than when you speak – because music insists that you bring your whole self. You can’t hide behind words or ideas. If you open your mouth and an unpleasant sound comes out, you feel so exposed. It feels awful and you just want to hide. That scares me.

I’m also afraid of the future sometimes. I think we all share some anxiety around climate change, and war and other things that overwhelm us. But as a minister, I am afraid of the future of Church. I believe God is wide and loves diversity. I believe all of us are created in God’s image, beautiful reflections of God’s goodness. I believe that though we all struggle, and each of us has things about ourselves that trip us up, and we’ve been hurt and dismissed, and we are misunderstood, that God loves us as we are and cheers us on as we learn more about ourselves and how to navigate the world. But I am afraid these beliefs about God, and Love, and acceptance will be completely overshadowed by those who preach a gospel of exclusion instead of inclusion. I am afraid that the ones who claim Jesus as their saviour will erase the beautiful, passionate, justice-loving Jesus who I have met and who somehow saves me. Jesus will be used as an instrument of power to bludgeon those who don’t fall in line. That scares me.

Being scared is nothing new – we all have those feelings of being way in over our head, or feeling unsafe in new situations, or feeling like we’re losing control of our future. But if it consumes us, if we’re so scared we can’t function, then we’re no help to anyone. Worrying doesn’t give one more minute of life, and it robs you of joy.

I used to have this little mantra I would tell my kids when they were little and scared of everything. You are strong and brave and not controlled by fear. You are strong and brave and not controlled by fear. Sometimes I find myself saying that. May we find ways to cope with being scared so that we live more fully into all that God wants for us. Amen

Prayer:

God of Saints and Sinners, Life and Death, Hope and Despair

Remind us that when we live our days in You, there is nothing to worry about!

Teach us to walk according to Your blueprint, even when we’re scare, even when we lose our way, even when it seems all is lost.

Surround us with Grace and Love so that we may truly find Joy!

Amen