Art as an Active Meditation on My Personal Relationship to Solitude during the COVID-19 Pandemic
“We all long for loving community. It enhances life’s joy. But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” -Bell Hooks, All About Love
No statement has been brought into the forefront of public consciousness in recent months quite like, “We all long for a loving community”, indeed, each and every one of us, in some way or another, has experienced varying levels of solitude during the Covid-19 pandemic, and in this solitude we have all come to realize our own longings for loving communities, that perhaps we had previously taken for granted. The simple joy of gathering on Sunday for church service, singing together as a choir or congregation, a hug or a handshake, and catching up over coffee, are just some of the things that make up the loving community of McDougall. These interactions, however small, are arguably some of the most missed aspects of our community.
I have heard the accounts of many people who are struggling with the solitude caused by the very necessary public health measures to combat the threat of the virus in our communities. While it is easy to intellectually understand why things like social distancing and all of that which has become the ‘new normal’ is necessary to our current reality, it has been much harder to reckon with solitude emotionally. While some people are fortunate enough to live with their families, have spouses, or even a beloved pet, and are not completely alone, it is safe to say that we have all spent far more time with ourselves over the past ten months than we have in previous years and perhaps even ever. If this is a new experience, perhaps we have come to the realization of how much we were using our social contacts and comfortable routines as a means of escape. The escape from being alone with one’s self. Proposed solutions to the feelings of solitude have been plentiful during this time. How many of us have become champions of the sourdough bread starter, have learned a new skill, or have picked up that guitar again? We have also adapted to a new routine of workdays and social nights on Zoom and these new routines are almost starting to feel normal.
However, the shadow of solitude never seems to be far away and it is ever in our peripheries. Even the adamant introverts among us are feeling it. Personally, what had started as a 2020 New Years resolution to get back into art, has since become my pandemic ‘thing’, and has, in matching the entrepreneurial spirit of those who have either lost jobs or had the luck of graduating during the pandemic, become something of a ‘sidehustle’ for me. Now, I am quite certain that my pandemic ‘thing’, primarily painting and drawing, first started as a way to combat my own insecurities of solitude, but in the process, something quite remarkable has happened. Painting to pass the time and earn a little extra cash has become a daily meditative and spiritual practice of reflecting on and embracing solitude. I should state for the record, that I am far from being completely alone during this time.
Those who know me know that I live with my wonderful grandmother and also have a cheeky and demanding dog. Even so, I have certainly spent far more time with myself and my thoughts than I have in previous years and I know many people can relate to that. These past months as I paint, often from inspiration gained on solitary walks, or sketch from photo references of seasons passed, I have discovered a quiet within myself and an increased nature of observation that has allowed me to meditate on solitude without feeling a sense of overwhelming emotion. It is an active meditation, for my hands are concentrated on the fluid motion of brush strokes and the movement of the paint over the canvas to eventually create an intelligible image or even simply a beautiful mess.
I have come to an inner peace that, while not always, often embraces and is no longer disquieted by solitude. It is no longer a means of escape but is rather a means of being present and allowing myself to feel a plethora of emotion without succumbing to it. Like a current running through a body of water, it is ever moving and does not linger indefinitely. In the instances of limited contact that I have been able to have over the course of the pandemic, this meditation on solitude has helped in my interactions with others. I feel like I can be more present and not simply grab on to the fact that in that moment I am no longer alone. The people I see now, however distanced and brief, are no longer a means of harbouring me from solitude, but rather have become more meaningful interactions and beautiful moments of togetherness. I hope that I can carry this newfound perspective through whatever the coming months bring and beyond the pandemic, when hopefully it becomes a distant memory. I hope that the quiet can still be found when the world returns to its busy pace. I write this not as a prescription but as an observation and to perhaps share a hopeful glimmer that not all solitude has to be partnered with profound loneliness. There is something to be gained from the confrontations that these times have forced us to observe.
For me it has been as much a lesson in how to be with others as it has been a lesson in how to be alone. There is hope and there is still much to be grateful for.
Paintings by Jennifer Heidebrecht
www.instagram.com/fernandflowerart
